Hey there Anon,
(I wish you weren’t an anon but that’s mostly because I like to know who I’m talking to while speaking about personal stuff but hey, it’s the internet!)
At first: I do not have financial problems. Why do you think I have?
Yes, I can’t buy everything I want, I can’t do everything I would like to do but do not have problems paying my rent or everything else. Yes, I have to work on commissions to get some extra money but I do this because I want to spend extra money on stuff like lolita clothing or vacations, not because I need it to buy food or pay my rent. Of course, I try to save money where I can but not because really need to, I just do not like spending more money than I actually need on something. And for everything else I have a not so small amount of money as reseve but I try not to touch it.
If I had real problems with my money, I wouldn’t live in my own flat (which isn’t exactly small), spending money on cosplay and lolita or go on several conventions during the year.
And that’s why my cats get food which is especially for young cats and contains 100% meat which I buy at the pet shop. And they get a much as they need. :)
I know that animals mean huge responsibility. I waited more than a year with this decision because of that poring over it again and again. Espacialy young animals.
I had animals before. I got hamsters, I got a rabbbit that became around 12 years old, I took care for several other animals that weren’t mine: horses, cats, dogs, fish, guineapigs, rabbits, mice and rats, sheeps and a goat, a turtle and I never had problems with it. I thought about the problem of having cats again and again, found solutions before I got them and so on. It was not like that I woke up on a saturday morning and thorught: “Wheeee~ let’s get me some cats, this will be fun!” and then went to get me some kittens. No, I really throught about it and I also througt about getting an older get, too. But yeahr, life isn’t like a well sortet plan, so I got two little kittens which should haven given to the animal shelter otherwise.
Maybe an older cat would have been better, maybe not. I don’t know and never will. I could have be the same with an older cat. Or with a dog. You never know for sure if something will work out if you don’t try.
And yes, I always seem pretty selfish and egocentric especialy with this decision. I got myself cat because I thought, I would feel less lonely. Because I like the feeling of coming home and having someone waiting for me and isn’t this the mainreason why people get pets? To have someone who is alwasy there? It’s probably the wrong reason - maybe. I don’t really know. My grandaunt got herself a cat after her husband died, because she felt all alone without him and it was good. Others get a dog and countless children get pets because they want something that will be there friend forever.
Yes, I’m not really happy with my life but the reason for this is not that I was selfish, it’s because of the oppposit. I wasn’t selfish enought about my life decisions. The only really selfish thing I did was to become a dressmaker or costume designer but even there I never crossed a certain border. I dropped jobs, really good jobs, jobs that were pretty close to the things I would like to do with my lifetime, because I had to think of others. I did things because others expect them from me, I always tried to fulifil all expectations. I did not worked out always for me but sometimes it did in some way. It’s easy to say “just think about your life and why you feel bad and then change it.” It’s not that easy, because you just can’t quit your job and leave everything behind just because your realise you did someting wrong. Life isn’t this easy.
If life were this easy, I would quit my job, sell my furniture, kiss all my friends for goodbye and book a flight to New Zealand or L.A. or London and chain myself to my favorit theater or film workshops till they give a job. But it isn’t this easy.
So I arranged myself around all others and so I became selfish about little things. Got myself a bigger flat then really I needed, spend time and money on an expensiv and eccentric hobby, spending money on lolita clothes and sometimes just be all alone with myself for days - I like being alone. I like living alone. I don’t feel lonely because I don’t have a flatmate or nor friends. I just feel.. hollow, because something is missing. And I don’t know what it is. So I tried to change something. And this change were some cats but it doesn’t seem to work out. And I still do not no why.
It can be, that I just need more time, to get used to them but maybe the time was just wrong or it’s something else. I’m still figuring out and so started to think again about the things I thought about before. Re-thinking everything. What to do, if I have to move? What to do, if I can’t keep them for other reason? Am I’m home often enought? And so on. Again and again. All day long, all night long. And so I landed here in the land of constant worry and doubt. Doubt about myself, the cats and everything else leading me to the question why I was so stupid, even if actually know that I sortet everything our before. And doubt about everything else I did in life or want to do. It’s and endless downwards spiral I’m sliding down and making me sick.
And since life easy and I can’t just can’t turn back the time, I’m trying to figure out what the best solution is. And this solution can propably be to accept the fact that I did something wrong and have to give my two little ones away. But maybe not.
